I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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