Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
