I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
