when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
