Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
