my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
