Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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