Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
