You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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