i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
