Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
