dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
