I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
