haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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