true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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