Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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