I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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