Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
