I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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