Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
