My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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