theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Holy sore nipples Batman
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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