Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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