I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
she woke up with a sticky ear
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
