Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
