I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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