so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
