I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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