There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
