I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
