I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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