I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
