i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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