I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
