there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
