I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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