she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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