just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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