Say something about gay babies.
Four minutes until I can fart!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
