I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
