the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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