finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
