Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
