I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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