P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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