Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
