the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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