He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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