I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
