i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
