i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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