I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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