are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
