Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
