Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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