dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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