You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's rum buckets o'clock
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
